1) Don’t Go Out For Dinner. I don’t understand why this is so widely practiced. Watching another person eat at close range is something to be reserved for those who’ve moved past the first date into Relationship Land, where the grass is always greener and you either come to terms with or actually develop some affection for the annoying way your date wields a fork. Also, when that wayward piece of lettuce slaps salad dressing onto your cheek or you’re trying to time the conversation in order to shove a massive piece of sushi into your mouth you will have no illusions that it’s endearing, you will know you’re a douche.
2) Eat. You’re going to be drinking, and anyone who isn’t I feel sorry for. Here’s the thing: don’t cook up a big bowl of pasta or eat a falafel or chow down on hummus or a burger or whatever, it’s only going to sit in your gut like a brick and as you pour drinks on top of it you will slowly expand to your maximum bloatation and nobody wants to lose a shirt in this situation… And for the record that’s the bare minimum of what we’re going for here: shirtlessness. Also you run the risk of the kind of bad breath that has you trying to be stealth about your mint/gum consumption, but make no mistake: everyone notices. Here’s The Solution That Works Every Time: eat two pieces of toast and take two Advils. The toast will keep you from trainwrecking on the booze and the Advil will prevent a headache or any other impending ailment that may be headed your way. You may relax and bask in the freedom your non-smelly, non-brick dinner allows you.
3) Banter. It’s always a drag when you overstep your previously gauged level of free-reign when it comes to teasing or borderline-insulting statements. If you do don’t worry, just say you’re sorry (even though you’re not) and re-draw that line a little closer to the mark. You have to be able to take the equivalent of whatever bullshit comes flying out of your mouth, so don’t take yourself seriously and be aware that you are, in fact, a dick-head.
4) Lying. Lying is super fun and I do it all the time, but now is not the time to see if you can get away with some massive whopper. Just lie like you normally do and make sure it’s nothing you can’t recover from. Most of all, though, don’t lie about yourself. I realize that first dates create The Perfect Storm for deceit, but to be perfectly honest I don’t even really understand the appeal… Isn’t it like The Ultimate Test to throw this person you’ve worked your whole life to develop into the ring with a complete stranger? Don’t you honestly want to know how you fare? When you win (and you will) it’s so much more satisfying if it really was you that put up your dukes.
5) Clothes… Most importantly: shoes. This is pretty much strictly for the ladies so I’ll keep it brief - just wear shoes you can actually walk in. I can’t believe I even need to say this. Look, I know heels are hot but nothing ruins the post-drink, pre-coital walk like you tripping in the street like a tool or eyeing the cracks in the sidewalk with sincere, base-level fear while trying to act casual. Shoes can look nice and be walkable. Look into it.
